We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You can't just leave with hair like that
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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