i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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