I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
