this beer tastes like vomit already
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
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