Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
