im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
