If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
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