Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
