im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
