your parents love me but you hate me
shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
