my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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