he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
