By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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