his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
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No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
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His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize