Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
