i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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