she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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