my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
