at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
