I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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