I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
