I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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