The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
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I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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