Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
