oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
