I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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