dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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