The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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