Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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