Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
