dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
