I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
