either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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