What tipped you off? The sombrero?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Is it penis luge time yet?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
