Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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