so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
