There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
