I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
my being single is dangerous.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
