**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize