I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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