I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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