You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
