just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
