I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
