They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
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