At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Randomize
