i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
