I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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