I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Randomize
