Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
