everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
