i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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