I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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