Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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