I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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