so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Sext me about skeletons
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
